I hadn't been on the patch for much of February so thought I'd try to pop out this weekend. Friday came and I had a couple of spare hours hanging about so I thought I'd use them in the field. But instead of going bird watching I decided to do some masochism instead. Masochism is where you inflict pain on yourself by going out into blistering, freezing cold winds in not enough clothes and checking every single one of the 1,000 or so gulls for a Mediterranean gull which isn't there any more. If you are a level two Masochist you will check each gull a second and a third time, just in case. Initially I was using a pair of binoculars and my camera to try and find the bird that had been reported just that morning, but even when I busted out a pair of rose tinted glasses it was still nowhere to be seen. I thought that if I stared at black-headed gulls long enough they would eventually morph into a Med. If you have never experienced this side of birding before, allow me to recreate it here for you...
For the Loadabullfinch Med Gull Masochist Challenge you will need...
- Frozen items from your freezer
- Assorted torture devices
- Binoculars
- Camera
- Scope
- 1,000 gulls (we like to use an 80/20 splt of common and black-heads with a sprinkling of Herring and Lesser-Black-Back)
1.) Begin by smashing your hope, enjoyment and sense of satisfaction into a fine powder using a pestle and mortar, if you don't have a pestle and mortar you can do this by waking up early, looking out of your window and seeing how miserable and dark the day is, trekking out on to Wanstead Flats in a blizzard and standing around like a numpty.
2.) Take the frozen items; peas, beans, ice-cream etc and cover your naked feet in them until the numbness is replaced by seething pain. Then use the torture devices to gently remove pieces of your feet and hands, starting with the finger and toe nails and slowly moving to the base of the digits. You may also like to try smashing your nose off with a frozen hammer.
3.) Jab violently at your eyes with sticks, bee stings and needles until tears pour down your face. Then look at the following images one by one...
Not a Med Gull
Not a Med Gull
Not a Med Gull
Not a Med Gull
Not a Med Gull
Not a Med Gull
Not a Med Gull
4.) Now move to the other side of your room and cross your eyes and try looking at the pictures again, but this time really, really want them to be a Med Gull.
Still not a Med Gull
Still not a Med Gull
Still not a Med Gull
Still not a Med Gull
Still not a Med Gull
Still not a Med Gull
Still not a Med Gull
5.) Now you can weep into your bins and consider taking up train spotting or looking at Eddie Stobart lorries and then figure, hey, I've already sacrificed my limbs, I may as well give it another shot...
Wow! Its a... wait... no it's not
Hmmm... no change
I hate myself
Is that even a gull anymore?
Yeah, definitely just another black-headed gull
Nuurgh
.......
6.) Then go home, you sad, pathetic freak.
I also tried to do the same thing on Saturday morning. But it was ruined by a Med gull which was, pretty much, the first bird I saw.
