Feeding waterfowl on a bank holiday with the kids is the best thing since sliced bread.
Here are some waterfowls you might have to murder at some point in your career if you were ever to get employed as a waterfowl assassin.
Mute Swan:
Swans are good looking waterfowls, and, by jove, don't they know it!?! They are so good looking, in fact, that the Royal Highness Queen of England Sir Elizabeth the Second, by Royal Assent, married every single one of them. This means it is a capital offence to say anything bad about a swan or hurt its feelings.
Mugshot of a swan
Fun fact: Mute Swans can migrate as far as from one end of a pond to the other!!
Bewick's Swan:
A Bewick swan's beak markings are entirely unique from individual to individual. They are also effective Rorschach tests, so never stare too long at a Bewick Swan or you'll go mad.
Whooper swan:
Literacy levels among Whooper swans are incredibly low. Some experts estimate as many as 99.9% of the species are unable to read or even write their own name.
Pink-footed Goose:
See White Fronted Goose
White fronted Goose:
See Greylag Goose
Greylag Goose:
See Pink-footed Goose
A Greylag Goose doing comedy
Canada Goose:
Mostly only ever seen in Canada, and also everywhere in the UK. The Canada Goose was actually once called the Canada Gouse. However, because of the Canadian accent and the way they pronounce their "ou" sounds, over time the name changed.
Barnacle Goose:
The Barnacle Goose, like many waterfowls, will fly in the well known 'V' formation. We can gain great insight into leadership lessons from this species of bird. When the bird flying at the apex of the V, the leader, grows tired or weak and knows the pressures of leading the group are getting to it, it will take out its closest rivals and keep on going anyway.
Brent Goose:
Fun fact: There is nothing interesting about Brent Geese.
Egyptian Goose:
Just because an Egyptian Goose looks like an Egyptian Goose, doesn't actually mean it is one. Many Egyptian geese were born in the UK and their families have lived here for many generations. To refer to them all as Egyptian is racist and ignorant.
That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet
Shelduck:
Due to catastrophic oil spillages at sea trillions of birds are killed by big petrol companies such as Esso and BP each year. Shell, in an effort to improve their reputation among bird watchers, chose to sponsor a duck species. Every Shelduck receives ample pay for sporting the company's name, but they squander it all on mud and water. Previous to their re-branding they were known as WhiteDarkGreenBrownDucksWithPinkFeetAndRedBilled Ducks.
Mandarin:
Fun fact: (This one's actually true). Mandarin ducks are seen as a symbol of fidelity and marital faithfulness in China. This is interesting as they are randy and promiscuous little devils.
Not a real bird. Plastic Mandarin from Slimbridge (kind of a Madamme Tussaud's for birds)
Wigeon:
A singular wigeon is known as "a wigeon", a group of wigeon are known as a "knob of wigeon" and less than one wigeon (somewhere between 0.1 and 0.3 wigeon) is known as a "smidgen of wigeon".
Gadwall:
Not all Gadwalls are racist despite appearances.
Mallard:
You can't hardly move for mallard around here. Back in the day, posh people used to breed Mallards for shooting. They weren't very good at it and kept dropping their guns because of lack of opposable thumbs.
Pintail:
If you have ten pintails, why not arrange them in a triangle and throw heavy balls at them? Answer: Because it's not a very nice thing to do.
Shoveller:
It is not certain why the Shoveller duck is thus named. Some scholars believe it is a corruption of the Latin Shovellus which means "not a Mallard" - whilst others put it down to an onomatopoeic representation of the noise they make while in flight. Until new evidence arises this puzzle remains an etymological mystery.
Teal:
In medieval times, when people used to play football by kicking an inflated pigs bladder around the village, early day referees would use Teals as whistles. By blowing through a live Teal's anus a very convincing and authentic ref's whistle sound can be achieved.
A teal fleeing from confrontation, typical.
Garganey:
In America there are currently more Garganey in prison than there are in further education!
Red Crested Pochard:
Red Crested Pochard, like all ducks and duvets, are measured in "togs". A fully grown, male Red Crested Pochard is approximately 4 togs warm.
Pochard:
Captain Jean-Luc Pochard was the central character in the science fiction TV series Star Trek: The Next Migration.
Tufted Duck:
Tufted ducks are so named because of an erectile feath...pppph hehe.
A Tufted Duck, as you can see the erectile fe...HAHAHAH!
Eider:
Whether there is anything interesting to say about this bird or not I have no Eider.
Long Tailed Duck:
Other examples of Long Tails include Long Tailed-Tit, The Lord of the Rings, Anna Karenina and Les Miserables
Velvet Scoter:
QI fact: The Velvet Scoter is so named because it scots much more smoothly than any of the other members of its genus.
I'm not sure exactly what this Velvet Scoter is doing, I can only guess it is scoting.
Goldeneye:
A James Bond movie was actually named after this stunning little bird. The film "Moonraker" was inspired by director Lewis Gilbert's pet Goldeneye of the same name.
Smew:
Smews are diving ducks and can spend as long as three hundred years under water.
Goosander:
Goo, by its very nature, has no sharp edges or rough bits, making this bird completely redundant.
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